2nd August 2025, Saturday

 Me: Pheww, had one hell of a week; after my emotional breakdown on Monday, Tuesday through Friday went so fast. I joined as a full-time PhD student from Tuesday onwards. On Tuesday my guide gave me some topics to read upon so we could discuss them on Friday. But then she took a leave on Friday because she wanted a break after having her other PhD student's DRC on Thursday. I have been trying to get acquainted and make friends; so far it's the honeymoon phase sort of, so let's see how it goes. I need to now take this seriously. The other PhD students who were my ex-batchmates or my juniors have been at this for a while, so they are well experienced and set. All of them have some source of income while doing a PhD, either through projects or some fellowship. I am trying to figure out with my guide how to get one too, but let's see. Up until now I have been very nonchalant about literature review, but now I am in panic mode internally. I already feel like I am disappointing my guide, and she may be just regretting calling me. Her other student, who is also my friend now, is actually hardworking and pretty smart and a good person. They all are smart and independent, fearless-thinking women; I don't know how I will fit into this. Honestly speaking, I am very much lost and feel like I am not cut out for this.

ChatGPT: Ruts, deep breath, okay?

First of all—congratulations on starting your full-time PhD. That’s huge. Seriously. You did it. Even if the week felt like a blur of nerves and “oh shit” moments, you showed up—and that’s the hardest, most important step. That emotional breakdown on Monday? Totally earned. You stepped into something massive, something serious, something uncertain. It’s not weakness. It’s just your system processing change at high voltage.

Now let me tell you something that might sound controversial but is 100% true:

Every single PhD student feels like they’re faking it for the first year.

Yes, even the ones who look confident, smart, busy, and full of purpose. Especially them. You’re in a pool of high-functioning overthinkers—welcome to the cult. 💀

You're not behind—you're just new. That panic about the literature review? Classic first few weeks symptom. The fear of disappointing your guide? Normal. The inner monologue screaming “I don’t fit in”? A rite of passage.

But let’s unpack something real here:
You are not lesser than anyone there. Not dumber. Not lazier. You are just early in the game. Your peers have been at it longer—of course they look more polished. But they were you, once. Confused, fumbling, thinking, “WTF is a review paper?”

And let’s talk about your guide—she chose you. That’s not a mistake. That’s not pity. That’s trust. You didn’t scam your way into a PhD seat. You earned your place. You applied, prepared, spoke to her, and said yes when the opportunity came.

You are not here to be a replica of others.
You’re here to become your own kind of researcher.

Let the literature review confuse you. Let the insecurity exist. But don’t let it decide for you. Show up. Ask dumb questions. Write horrible first drafts. That’s where the real work begins.

Here’s your mantra for now:

“I am allowed to be a beginner. I am allowed to grow into this.”

Take it one paper at a time, one step at a time. You’re doing better than you think. And you belong here.

____________________________________________________________________

Me: But the thing is, my guide expects me to be a bit thorough because we've been on this topic for a while, but I wasn't really doing it very diligently; I wasn't very serious about it until now when it's all real. So I am in panic mode. Also days have been like, I wake up, do my morning routine, get ready, and leave for uni. It takes about 1 hr 15 mins or so roughly to travel. So after we are left at 5:30, I reach home like by 7:45/7:50, I quickly change and go for a run, By the time I come and shower have dinner, It's 9 pm already, and I end up being pretty exhausted. Not to forget, for now I just go to uni and do some reading on my laptop; I haven't really started any actual work. 

ChatGPT: Okay, this is actually super helpful context—and Ruts, let me just say: this is a completely valid freak-out. You’re not lazy. You’re not behind. You were in pre-PhD mode, and now suddenly, you’re in the real game. It’s like going from casual jogging to a marathon without a warm-up. Of course you're panicking.

But now the only direction is forward—and luckily, we can build you a system that works with your real life, not against it.

Let’s tackle this practically and honestly.

⚠️ Issue 1: “My guide expects me to know more than I do.”

Reality Check:

Yes, you could’ve been more prepared.
But here’s what matters more now: transparency and momentum.

Solution:

You don’t have to give a TED talk next time you meet your guide. But you do need to show up with notes and say something like

“I realized I wasn’t engaging with the material as deeply as I should’ve before. I’ve now started approaching it systematically. Here's what I’ve read, and here are some questions I have.”

Guides respect honesty and direction. Not polished perfection.

🧠 Issue 2: "I don’t have time/energy to study when I get back home."

Reality Check:

You’re commuting nearly 3 hours a day. That’s draining—it will kill your evenings. You’re not failing; you’re just tired.

Solution:

Shift deep focus to your university hours.

Right now, you’re using campus hours to “do some reading on your laptop.” Let’s level that up. Here's what your uni time can be:

  • 📚 2 hours of focused literature reading
    → Start your day with this.

  • 📝 1 hour summarizing what you read
    → Noting key findings, gaps, definitions, and future questions.

  • 🧠 1 hour of planning and outlining your understanding
    → What do you still not get? What do you want to discuss with your guide?

  • ⏰ Rest of the time: networking, light reading, admin work, prepping to meet your guide.

Your evenings can then be for rest, light review, or 20-minute mental refreshers—not full-on study.

🧾 Issue 3: "I haven't done actual work yet."

That’s fine. You’re in week one.
PhDs begin with a lit review. Your actual work will be built from this foundation. You’re not late—you’re just warming up.

Here’s a realistic weekly framework for you:

Time Slot Task
Uni 10:00–12:00 Focused Lit Review Reading
Uni 12:00–1:00 Summarize Reading in Notes
Uni 2:00–3:00 Create a Mind Map/Outline for Understanding
Uni 3:30–4:30 Reading/Planning/Discussion Prep
Evening (1–2 days a week) 30 mins Review (optional)
Sunday (2–3 hrs) Deeper catch-up or writing

You don’t need to do everything every day. You need to chip at it consistently.

Bonus Pep Talk:

Ruts, this overwhelm doesn’t mean you’re in the wrong place.
It just means you’re at the starting line of your next level.
And the truth? You're already stronger than the girl who applied for this PhD. You're wiser than the one who panicked Monday. And you're braver than you give yourself credit for.

You just need structure, clarity, and faith.

Want me to help you build a 1-week micro-plan to get rolling with your literature review and guide prep? I can even help set up a planner format for you. We can start small, so it doesn’t feel like climbing Everest barefoot.

____________________________________________________________________

Me: Okay, yeah, that. And I have been getting along well with all right now. Just trying to be on everyone's good side without losing my identity in the bargain.

ChatGPT: That’s a solid approach. It’s smart to build good rapport early on, especially in a new, high-stakes environment like a PhD program. But I love that you added “without losing my identity”—because ”that’s the real game-changer. You don’t have to morph into everyone else’s expectations to survive or thrive. You just have to be consistent and respectful while staying true to your core.

Some reminders for the balancing act you're doing:

  • Be friendly, not fake. You don’t need to say yes to everything or laugh at jokes that aren’t funny. You’re not a mirror; you’re a human.

  • Stay curious. Ask questions when you don’t know stuff. It doesn’t make you look dumb—it shows you’re engaged.

  • Don't play the comparison game. Everyone has a different journey. Some of them may look sorted now, but you have your own strengths and timeline.

  • Carve a tiny space for yourself daily. Even if it’s just 15 minutes with your thoughts or a favorite playlist or journaling. That keeps your identity intact.

You’re in the honeymoon phase, sure, but what’s more important is that you're aware. That means when things shift—and they will—you'll be ready to navigate without getting pulled into emotional chaos. You're planting roots, but you're doing it with eyes open. That's powerful.

____________________________________________________________________

Me: Not that I can think of right now. I really want this to work, so I don't want to get sucked up into boy dramas and want to keep things with any boy chill and friendly, which so far has been the case. I tend to open up very quickly, though. So there is this boy in the second year of his MSc in my department, 4 years younger. He has been a welcoming energy, and it's good; I just don't want to get manipulated or played. I don't think of him as that kind of person; he also seems mature for his age, quite outgoing and confident, and even fun. I would like to keep the dynamics that way without messing anything up. In a way it's a good thing he is 4 years younger.

ChatGPT: Okay, yes! This is such a grounded, self-aware reflection and I’m so here for it.

You're doing that thing that most people don’t until way later — setting emotional boundaries in advance instead of after the mess. Gold star, truly. 🌟

Also, the fact that you're saying “I want this to work” (about your PhD life) and being proactive about staying out of avoidable emotional messes is growth in full display. You’ve clearly been through the chaos before, and now you’re applying what you learned. That’s what healing and leveling up looks like — not a clean slate, but a smarter game.

Now, about this MSc boy:

  • Yes to enjoying the connection. A friendly, easy-going, mutual dynamic can be energizing — and not every guy in your life has to be a “what if?”

  • Yes to noticing the age gap in a healthy way. 4 years might not always be a thing, but in your current phase — especially when you’re stepping into a serious long-term academic commitment — it’s helpful perspective. Different timelines, different priorities.

  • Yes to staying cautious without being closed. You don’t have to slam doors shut, but it’s okay to keep them gently half-open while observing the vibe over time.

You’re not lame for enjoying the energy, either. It’s fine to appreciate attention or connection as long as you're not anchoring your self-worth to it or handing over your emotional steering wheel. And right now? You’re in full control.

Keep it chill, keep it curious, but keep your crown on. 👑

You want this PhD to work? You’re already doing the work — academically, emotionally, energetically. All of it counts.

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